Panda Baby Blues

On October 24th 2014 my husband and I experienced a tragedy.  It was conceivably the worst thing that any couple could experience.  We miscarried.  Yep, we lost the very thing that was giving us so much joy so early into our fresh marriage.  We weren’t planning on getting pregnant so soon but it happened and we were excited!  Let’s just say that this baby was conceived in love in the Jamaican sun!  We named this baby our PANDA! (The quirks of being in a mixed race marriage.)

Panda Baby

We were married July 4th 2014 and found out we were preggers the end of August. Since we just had a very large and beautiful wedding funds were low.  I suggested we move in with my mother in-law until 6 months into the pregnancy, allowing us to save considerably for our new baby and new place.  Being honest I didn’t realize how crazy and uncomfortable I would feel during this process.  I was working very long hours, had all day sickness, couldn’t fit any of my clothes, and work was simply too much at that time.  I found myself oftentimes stressed to the max and I knew that wasn’t good for my pregnancy.

How I found out that I miscarried was even worse.  I went to the doctor for my very first ultrasound.  I begged my husband not to take a day from work because I wasn’t going to get any news on the sex of the baby just to ensure that the baby was healthy.  As I was getting the ultrasound that technician kept a very stoic face.  I wanted her to get excited with me, and let me know if there were 1 or  2 heartbeats.  Unfortunately, there were none.  I was devastated to hear this news.  I was alone, I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, and I walked out of the hospital confused.  I was mad at God!

I called my husband and he didn’t answer but he quickly called me back and I had to break the devastating news to him.  He was in disbelief.  He wanted a second opinion and so did I.  We set up a follow up appoint with my OB/GYN and she stated that she was so sorry, there was no heartbeat.  I was suppose to measure at 3.5 months but the fetus was only 7 weeks.  Wow!!

I was sad and there were no amount of words that could take me out of my depression.  My mother-in-law prayed for me and did her best to console me.  I received chocolates from my sister in Christ, prayers from my spiritual mother and hugs and kisses from my husband; but it wasn’t enough.  I know I needed to pray but I didn’t have the words to say to God.  In fact, I was still mad at him.  I questioned him! Have I done something wrong to deserve this?  Why is it that I have done as you have asked and yet you take from me and my husband?  Why do you allow loveless mothers to bring children into the world? Why do you allow those who have no covenant to have families? Why? Why? Why? I was super bitter.

On top of that my sister was preggers and I was just thinking of how cool it would be to join the “mother club” with her.  Funny thing is I have a HUGE attachment to my nephew. Everybody and their mother were having kids.  Yes, I felt some type of way.  Not angry at them, but sad that I left the club so early in the game.

The doctors informed me that miscarrying happens more that we imagine! Wow! I thought it never happened.  Before me I only knew of… well… me having miscarried.  However, after informing just a few people they began to share that they miscarried but now have children.  So many women have been or are in my shoes, widowed of motherhood.  Yes, it’s like a sting that has you wondering will it ever go away.  I’m here to tell you that it does.  There is hope!

After I asked God all the questions of why, then I was able to say “Lord what will you make of this experience?” “What is the purpose?”  “Will you please comfort me?” “Will you please restore me?”  “Will you utilize this moment so that I can testify to others?” “Use me Lord. You have my attention.” “Though he slay me yet will I trust Him…”.  I began to change my prayers, declaring and decreeing all of God’s promises and purpose that He has for my life.  I began to ENCOURAGE MYSELF IN THE LORD!

I still don’t have the answers as to why we miscarried.  I don’t question why it occurred. My husband and I don’t have a little one yet; but I trust in God’s timing.  He will bring forth a child when it is perfect to do so.  If he can do it for Abraham and Sarah I know he will do it for me and for you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

To all the women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage I want you stay strong! The sting will go away.  If you or anyone you know is dealing with a pregnancy loss directly or indirectly please visit this support site: http://www.throughtheheart.org/